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[sonofzod]

art by sdeeys

UN: Superman

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[godsandbats]

[Kirk turns his head to look at Hernan, studying him. If only he could bite him again. But logically, he knows he can't. Instead, he looks away again. His head is swimming. It's still a blur with what he had done with Vander and Clive]

I promise. I won't leave.

[His feelings are a mess but at least he can say that much. Even if he wanted to leave, he physically can't]

[sonofzod]

[ He couldn't hear anyone following them when he brought Kirk home still-]

If you need me just yell for me. You know I will hear it.

[ When he's outside, he takes off like a bullet. Breaking into the blood bank is the easy part. He pockets as many bags of blood as he can carry before heading back. When he returns, he offers Kirk a few. The rest he'll store in the fridge. ]

Do you remember what happened?

[godsandbats]

[Kirk takes a bag, makes a cut into it with his fangs and starts to drink. The beast needs to be quieted and his nanites need the extra blood to patch him up sooner. Once he feels he has a little more strength, he answers in a quiet tone and tries to sort out his memories and feelings]

I... I was hungry. I didn't plan this.

[sonofzod]

I know.

[ He doesn't need the finer details to believe it. He knows Kirk. He doesn't act like this. ]

Vander is dead.

[godsandbats]

[Kirk's expression deepens into despondency and he stops drinking. It's what he had suspected happened amongst that blur of chaotic memories]

Should've left me.

[sonofzod]

I would never have left you.

[ He hadn't meant to be so blunt about it. He just had no other way of saying it. ]

You weren't yourself.

[godsandbats]

But it was me. It's been me since the night I transformed.

[Kirk takes a slow breath and drink some more before speaking again]

It's not right how easy it is for everyone and I have to be under more restrictions.

[sonofzod]

I know.

[ Earth's not made for people like them. Never has been. They've had to carve out their places. Set their own rules and boundaries. ]

It takes its toll on you. That doesn't mean you were in your right mind back there. You care about other people, Kirk. Vander was your friend.

[godsandbats]

[Darkly]

Apparently didn't care enough.

[Deep regret rises up in Kirk though]

[sonofzod]

Don't do this to yourself, Langstrom.

[ It's happened. He cannot dwell on it or it will drag him down. ]

We will figure this out.

[godsandbats]

[The sad and self-loathing expression Kirk has suggests he has serious doubts about that]

He's right. I'm a monster.

[sonofzod]

Why? Because someone who does not know you said so?

[ Hernan finally sits down on the bed. ]

[godsandbats]

I turned against someone I cared about like a rabid animal. I tried to rip out his throat like he was another prey. All I was thinking about was how much I needed to eat.

[He can even still smell the dried blood on him]

[sonofzod]

And don't you think that's strange, Kirk? You've never been like this. Even at your lowest. You hunted criminals, people who attacked you first.

[ He hunted animals instead of people. Chose a rat over harming someone who didn't deserve it. ]

That was not you, Kirk. I don't believe that.

[ because if it is - if this is who he is now - Hernan did not want to think about what that meant. What he might have to do. He refused. ]

[godsandbats]

[Kirk is quiet as he tries to put his thoughts together and makes sense of what Hernan says. He's right. He's always gone through such lengths to avoid civilians. Took to eating rats and stealing from blood banks many times than to attack civilians, even when the latter felt like the "easier" option.

But then another thought comes to him. And he speaks again in a quiet tone]

The temptation has always been there, even before we ever came to Etraya. The... so-called easier option.

[sonofzod]

You dealt with it. You didn't let it control you.

[ He shakes his head. ]

[godsandbats]

[In a sad and regretful tone]

This time I did.

[Or at least that's what it feels like]

[sonofzod]

Not you. Whatever has changed you did this.

[godsandbats]

[Kirk goes quiet again to try to piece together more of his thoughts. Sometimes, it's difficult to separate the facts from the feelings. Not for the first time he's grateful that Hernan's around to be a sounding board]

The temptation was always there. I've thought before about how much easier it would be for me if I just... unleashed. Recently the frustration and the madness felt more acute. More visceral.

[Kirk frowns]

Normally, we rarely argue.

[sonofzod]

[ He nods, it made sense. What's changed for them recently? Coming here. ]

I know. You've been feeling frustration and I have...I don't know. I've felt less inclined to resort to killing. It's still an option, but not the first option.

[godsandbats]

[Kirk drinks more blood before looking back again at Hernan]

You decided we should try to avoid killing after that battle with the Metal Men.

[Kirk frowns some more. Nothing like that has happened to Hernan yet so he doesn't have a reason to change his ways so far]

Haven't felt like doing a new world order lately?

[It was the kind of private talk he's done more than once with him and Bekka. Certainly not public friendly but Hernan also wasn't ashamed to talk about it amongst friends]

[sonofzod]

[ No. It's the strangest thing. The man who said You'll see him when I say feels like an entirely different person. ]

Not lately, no. I don't think it's necessary anymore.

[ Right? They don't have bend people to their will. They just have to let them live their lives and put the bad ones away. ]

[godsandbats]

[Kirk still looks back at Hernan with a frown. That's something he would've never said not too long ago]

How long have you been feeling like that?

[sonofzod]

Since shortly after we came here for the mission.

[ He thinks about for a minute. ]

Do you think it's the mission?

[godsandbats]

When I asked her, Aurora said the mortality shift wouldn't affect us.

[But that doesn't mean she couldn't have lied or was given the wrong information]

It's possible.

[Still, Kirk can't shake off the overwhelming guilt and shame he's feeling for attacking Vander]