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[sonofzod]

art by sdeeys

UN: Superman

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[sonofzod]

I would never have left you.

[ He hadn't meant to be so blunt about it. He just had no other way of saying it. ]

You weren't yourself.

[godsandbats]

But it was me. It's been me since the night I transformed.

[Kirk takes a slow breath and drink some more before speaking again]

It's not right how easy it is for everyone and I have to be under more restrictions.

[sonofzod]

I know.

[ Earth's not made for people like them. Never has been. They've had to carve out their places. Set their own rules and boundaries. ]

It takes its toll on you. That doesn't mean you were in your right mind back there. You care about other people, Kirk. Vander was your friend.

[godsandbats]

[Darkly]

Apparently didn't care enough.

[Deep regret rises up in Kirk though]

[sonofzod]

Don't do this to yourself, Langstrom.

[ It's happened. He cannot dwell on it or it will drag him down. ]

We will figure this out.

[godsandbats]

[The sad and self-loathing expression Kirk has suggests he has serious doubts about that]

He's right. I'm a monster.

[sonofzod]

Why? Because someone who does not know you said so?

[ Hernan finally sits down on the bed. ]

[godsandbats]

I turned against someone I cared about like a rabid animal. I tried to rip out his throat like he was another prey. All I was thinking about was how much I needed to eat.

[He can even still smell the dried blood on him]

[sonofzod]

And don't you think that's strange, Kirk? You've never been like this. Even at your lowest. You hunted criminals, people who attacked you first.

[ He hunted animals instead of people. Chose a rat over harming someone who didn't deserve it. ]

That was not you, Kirk. I don't believe that.

[ because if it is - if this is who he is now - Hernan did not want to think about what that meant. What he might have to do. He refused. ]

[godsandbats]

[Kirk is quiet as he tries to put his thoughts together and makes sense of what Hernan says. He's right. He's always gone through such lengths to avoid civilians. Took to eating rats and stealing from blood banks many times than to attack civilians, even when the latter felt like the "easier" option.

But then another thought comes to him. And he speaks again in a quiet tone]

The temptation has always been there, even before we ever came to Etraya. The... so-called easier option.

[sonofzod]

You dealt with it. You didn't let it control you.

[ He shakes his head. ]

[godsandbats]

[In a sad and regretful tone]

This time I did.

[Or at least that's what it feels like]

[sonofzod]

Not you. Whatever has changed you did this.

[godsandbats]

[Kirk goes quiet again to try to piece together more of his thoughts. Sometimes, it's difficult to separate the facts from the feelings. Not for the first time he's grateful that Hernan's around to be a sounding board]

The temptation was always there. I've thought before about how much easier it would be for me if I just... unleashed. Recently the frustration and the madness felt more acute. More visceral.

[Kirk frowns]

Normally, we rarely argue.

[sonofzod]

[ He nods, it made sense. What's changed for them recently? Coming here. ]

I know. You've been feeling frustration and I have...I don't know. I've felt less inclined to resort to killing. It's still an option, but not the first option.

[godsandbats]

[Kirk drinks more blood before looking back again at Hernan]

You decided we should try to avoid killing after that battle with the Metal Men.

[Kirk frowns some more. Nothing like that has happened to Hernan yet so he doesn't have a reason to change his ways so far]

Haven't felt like doing a new world order lately?

[It was the kind of private talk he's done more than once with him and Bekka. Certainly not public friendly but Hernan also wasn't ashamed to talk about it amongst friends]

[sonofzod]

[ No. It's the strangest thing. The man who said You'll see him when I say feels like an entirely different person. ]

Not lately, no. I don't think it's necessary anymore.

[ Right? They don't have bend people to their will. They just have to let them live their lives and put the bad ones away. ]

[godsandbats]

[Kirk still looks back at Hernan with a frown. That's something he would've never said not too long ago]

How long have you been feeling like that?

[sonofzod]

Since shortly after we came here for the mission.

[ He thinks about for a minute. ]

Do you think it's the mission?

[godsandbats]

When I asked her, Aurora said the mortality shift wouldn't affect us.

[But that doesn't mean she couldn't have lied or was given the wrong information]

It's possible.

[Still, Kirk can't shake off the overwhelming guilt and shame he's feeling for attacking Vander]

[sonofzod]

She's wrong again. What a surprise.

[ It does make Hernan quiet for a minute. This is going to be a problem until they get back to Etraya. ]

What do you want to do? It won't get better until we finish the mission.

[godsandbats]

[Kirk stops drinking again. He's uncomfortable with the options they're facing]

I shouldn't hold you back.

[sonofzod]

If I thought you held me back, I wouldn't be here.

[ Which is the simple truth. As different as he feels these days, he still doesn't have a lot of patience for humans. Saving them is one thing. Letting them close? Not a chance. ]

[godsandbats]

[Kirk knows Hernan's being honest but he's still not comfortable with their options. The unsettled beast is still around]

How do you do you do this? Knowing how much easier it is for everyone else while you have to be the one to play nice?

[sonofzod]

[ Dios mio. Of course Kirk would ask something like that. If there's anything consistent about his friend, at least, it's his need to understand. Hernan's quiet a minute, because he has to dig into a personal place for this. If Kirk were anyone else, the conversation would be over. But as it is, Hernan continues. He sighs. ]

I had to decide what kind of man I wanted to be, Kirk. The kind of man like my padre, who would work himself to the bone to provide for his family. Or like Zod. Who didn't care about anyone but himself. For me, the choice was an easy one.