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[sonofzod]

art by sdeeys

UN: Superman

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[sonofzod]

Why? Because someone who does not know you said so?

[ Hernan finally sits down on the bed. ]

[godsandbats]

I turned against someone I cared about like a rabid animal. I tried to rip out his throat like he was another prey. All I was thinking about was how much I needed to eat.

[He can even still smell the dried blood on him]

[sonofzod]

And don't you think that's strange, Kirk? You've never been like this. Even at your lowest. You hunted criminals, people who attacked you first.

[ He hunted animals instead of people. Chose a rat over harming someone who didn't deserve it. ]

That was not you, Kirk. I don't believe that.

[ because if it is - if this is who he is now - Hernan did not want to think about what that meant. What he might have to do. He refused. ]

[godsandbats]

[Kirk is quiet as he tries to put his thoughts together and makes sense of what Hernan says. He's right. He's always gone through such lengths to avoid civilians. Took to eating rats and stealing from blood banks many times than to attack civilians, even when the latter felt like the "easier" option.

But then another thought comes to him. And he speaks again in a quiet tone]

The temptation has always been there, even before we ever came to Etraya. The... so-called easier option.

[sonofzod]

You dealt with it. You didn't let it control you.

[ He shakes his head. ]

[godsandbats]

[In a sad and regretful tone]

This time I did.

[Or at least that's what it feels like]

[sonofzod]

Not you. Whatever has changed you did this.

[godsandbats]

[Kirk goes quiet again to try to piece together more of his thoughts. Sometimes, it's difficult to separate the facts from the feelings. Not for the first time he's grateful that Hernan's around to be a sounding board]

The temptation was always there. I've thought before about how much easier it would be for me if I just... unleashed. Recently the frustration and the madness felt more acute. More visceral.

[Kirk frowns]

Normally, we rarely argue.

[sonofzod]

[ He nods, it made sense. What's changed for them recently? Coming here. ]

I know. You've been feeling frustration and I have...I don't know. I've felt less inclined to resort to killing. It's still an option, but not the first option.

[godsandbats]

[Kirk drinks more blood before looking back again at Hernan]

You decided we should try to avoid killing after that battle with the Metal Men.

[Kirk frowns some more. Nothing like that has happened to Hernan yet so he doesn't have a reason to change his ways so far]

Haven't felt like doing a new world order lately?

[It was the kind of private talk he's done more than once with him and Bekka. Certainly not public friendly but Hernan also wasn't ashamed to talk about it amongst friends]

[sonofzod]

[ No. It's the strangest thing. The man who said You'll see him when I say feels like an entirely different person. ]

Not lately, no. I don't think it's necessary anymore.

[ Right? They don't have bend people to their will. They just have to let them live their lives and put the bad ones away. ]

[godsandbats]

[Kirk still looks back at Hernan with a frown. That's something he would've never said not too long ago]

How long have you been feeling like that?

[sonofzod]

Since shortly after we came here for the mission.

[ He thinks about for a minute. ]

Do you think it's the mission?

[godsandbats]

When I asked her, Aurora said the mortality shift wouldn't affect us.

[But that doesn't mean she couldn't have lied or was given the wrong information]

It's possible.

[Still, Kirk can't shake off the overwhelming guilt and shame he's feeling for attacking Vander]

[sonofzod]

She's wrong again. What a surprise.

[ It does make Hernan quiet for a minute. This is going to be a problem until they get back to Etraya. ]

What do you want to do? It won't get better until we finish the mission.

[godsandbats]

[Kirk stops drinking again. He's uncomfortable with the options they're facing]

I shouldn't hold you back.

[sonofzod]

If I thought you held me back, I wouldn't be here.

[ Which is the simple truth. As different as he feels these days, he still doesn't have a lot of patience for humans. Saving them is one thing. Letting them close? Not a chance. ]

[godsandbats]

[Kirk knows Hernan's being honest but he's still not comfortable with their options. The unsettled beast is still around]

How do you do you do this? Knowing how much easier it is for everyone else while you have to be the one to play nice?

[sonofzod]

[ Dios mio. Of course Kirk would ask something like that. If there's anything consistent about his friend, at least, it's his need to understand. Hernan's quiet a minute, because he has to dig into a personal place for this. If Kirk were anyone else, the conversation would be over. But as it is, Hernan continues. He sighs. ]

I had to decide what kind of man I wanted to be, Kirk. The kind of man like my padre, who would work himself to the bone to provide for his family. Or like Zod. Who didn't care about anyone but himself. For me, the choice was an easy one.

[godsandbats]

[Kirk is silent as he takes in Hernan's reply. After the battle with the Metal Men, Kirk was told that Luthor had lied to Hernan about his true lineage and that Zod was the reason for Krypton's demise. But nothing more was said. Kirk did not want to broach the subject given how personal the topic was and how reluctant Hernan is to talk about his feelings. It seemed best to let Hernan decide if he ever wanted to talk about Zod.

So Hernan's answer surprises Kirk]

But you've been tempted before.

[As always, there's a lack of judgement in Kirk's tone. It's simple a matter of fact]

[sonofzod]

[ All the time. Every day. It's easy to give in too. Because before Fair Play, what could anyone do to stop him? Nothing. He could have let the world feel his full might and there wouldn't have been a damn thing anyone could do about it.

So why didn't he?

Because his mother believed he was good. His sister believed he was good. Kirk believed he was good. He couldn't betray that and live with himself. ]

Luthor told me he lied because he didn't want me emulating my father. He wanted to be right about me so badly. I'd never give him the satisfaction.

[ Also? He's petty. ]

[godsandbats]

[A corner of Kirk's lip twitches. He can't say he's surprised that pettiness and pride are part of why Hernan chose not to be a dictator. Kirk isn't disappointed. They're still close friends and nothing will break that bond. Or so he hopes.

He responds back, still not judging]

So you do it because of others.

[sonofzod]

In part, yes.

[ His father had called him a monster. So had Luthor and Lois and anyone else who didn't matter. He didn't want them to be right to spite them. But ultimately, he didn't want them to be right for himself. ]

But I can't rely on other people to decide for me. Their opinion doesn't matter. I'm the one who has to live with myself.

[godsandbats]

[Kirk quietly drinks and thinks]

... It's tiring sometimes. Having to fight yourself and resisting it.

[Kirk isn't proud of any of that. He understands that the anomaly is probably affecting him but these darker thoughts have crossed his mind before, long before he ever came to Etraya]

[sonofzod]

I know, Kirk.

[ He reaches for Kirk, a gentle brush of his fingers along his arm. ]

But I don't doubt you.